august 27.

so many thoughts right now. this week has been interesting. not as chaotic as i thought, but full of subdued emotion. i am keeping it together because i'm too busy thinking about all the things to do, and also because i feel like stuff like this is just inevitable.

i want to feel super confident that these are the right decisions. that when we look back, we will know with certainty that we made the right call. but we will never know that, because that's not how life works. and i will never feel certainty, because i am not a person who exhibits confidence in that particular way.

sigh.

i am most worried about hollis, i guess. he is a delicate kid...his sensitivity and reserved nature make transitions even harder than they would be on any average two year old. will he learn as much from this new place? will the physical stuff help him come out of his shell a little? or will it just make him stressed and overwhelmed?

i am also stressed about managing all the things. how to keep the house clean, remember all the activities and paperwork, get the kids to school on time, get myself to work on time, look halfway like an adult. yeesh. it's a lot. i now understand why being a stay at home parent is a thing. because trying to keep track of all of it and do it all well (or at least not phone it in like some derelict parent) is a job. and i already have a job.

sigh.

may 18.

when you're sound asleep
a rarity these busy days
you revert
back to your baby-self
arms in victory pose
hands in little fists
smacky grunting noises
i curl around your warm body
smell your neck
no more of that sweet milky scent
but sweet anyway

as i wake you up
gentle and slow even though it's monday
your arms wrap around my neck
can you carry me mommy?
yes my baby
yes.